Anxiety cripples. It isolates. It stifles, throttles, controls, and eventually it kills.
I know. I’ve seen this in real life. It’s been MY life.
I have walked away from a cart full of groceries, because I suddenly wondered if I had enough money in my account to cover the bill. (I mentally keep track of what it’s going to total, add $20, and make sure that there’s 2x that in my account.) AND, I had just checked my account to make sure I had enough!
So now I carry cash. And shop with a pit of despair in my stomach. Because how embarrassing is it to go to pay, and you don’t have enough. People are waiting in line for you to finish, the cashier is judging you, the people in line are judging you. You FAIL at budgeting.
And, too, if you have enough cash, perhaps THEY judge you on what you buy. “OMG” they say to themselves “she’s buying wagon wheels AND jello puddings. Those kids can’t be healthy. Too much sugar, she’s the reason MY kids don’t get a good education!”
Wow!
This isn’t just self-talk. This is anxiety raising its ugly head and controlling your every move.
How about a friend asking if you want to go for a girls night, coffee and movie? All excited for the first few days…..it’s going to be fun, hang out, share ideas, laugh at the hubbys’…..you know, girl time. Then a few hours before:
Anxiety: You know, Sara and Max have a great marriage, I hear they never fight. If you make a joke about your hubby, she might think your marriage is bad. Or that you’re a B-witch.
Anxiety: You know, Dena drinks her coffee with cream and sugar, and she just posted on Facebook a meme about how psychopaths are more likely to drink their coffee black. Isn’t that how you take yours?
Anxiety at 2 am: I just wanted to wake you up and remind you that Terri is likely to ask how the quilt is going. She’ll probably think you’re lazy for not finishing it by now.
Anxiety at 3 am: Also, the house is likely to burn down if you leave to have fun with friends. Just FYI!
This list seems funny and kind of ridiculous, but these are actual thoughts of a woman with anxiety.
What does any sane person do? They listen to the self-protection voice of reason…..stay home where you’ll be safe. Home is your security. You’re in control there.
And you are also isolated. People stop inviting you because you never come. Then people stop calling you because you missed so much of the fun times, they feel bad about telling you what you missed. Pretty soon, you’re ordering the “Crazy Cat Lady Starter Kit” from Facebook and living with 20 cats to stave off loneliness. Still Anxiety is not happy.
You don’t go to the movie. Sara and Max get a divorce because they lost interest in each other. Dena starts drinking tea, because she hates the taste of coffee and must cut down on her sugar. Terri has 5 unfinished quilts currently in her stash, because she gets easily distracted by the latest greatest idea. But you don’t know any of that because you didn’t go to the movie.
Anxiety is like the Satan serpent in the garden of Eden, sliding around, whispering sly untruths in your ear, and we all know how well that worked out, Right?
But what if the conversation was more like:
Anxiety: You know, Sara and Max have a great marriage, I hear they never fight. If you make a joke about your hubby, she might think your marriage is bad. Or that you’re a B-witch.
What would happen if a voice of reason (VOR) counter argued with Anxiety?
VOR: I’m pretty funny, though. She could just laugh
Anxiety: You know, Dena drinks her coffee with cream and sugar, and she just posted on Facebook a meme about how psychopaths are more likely to drink their coffee black. Isn’t that how you take yours?
VOR: yeah, but the post also says “more likely for soy-drinking latte extra shot caramel drizzled what-not is likely to be their victim, and I’m ok with that. It probs was a joke anyways. Dena has 3 kids under 10 and is a stay at home mom like me, I’m pretty sure she doesn’t care HOW i drink my coffee.
Anxiety at 2 am: I just wanted to wake you up and remind you that Terri is likely to ask how the quilt is going. She’ll probably think you’re lazy for not finishing it by now.
VOR: Well Terri’s B witched, then. Go to sleep. I’m tired
Anxiety at 3 am: Also, the house is likely to burn down if you leave to have fun with friends. Just FYI!
VOR: OMG, I better clean the house before the firemen get here! Thanks Anxiety!
And you get up and clean house, just in case……(no, not really)
Now how do you get that Voice Of Reason?
We all have it, it’s just that when things in the brain are dysregulated and the brainwaves are less than optimal, VOR is drowned out by the mad shouting of insane Anxiety.
When we can regulate and harmonize the brainwaves to function as they are supposed to, instead of like a squirrel on red bull, or conversely like a snail on valium, the VOR has a chance to chime in and get its voice heard.
HOW? You ask……That’s a good question and I’m glad you asked it (even if it required some prompting on my part.
Zen monks do a really good job of this.
Yogi’s achieve this level of calm.
Buddhist monks create this calm.
After years of practice, the best of them achieve this level of calm.
I don’t know about you, but I certainly didn’t have the time to go study in the peaceful regions of Tibet, just to become a better parent and spouse. Anxiety needed to quiet her screaming insanity, and VOR needed to speak up like RIGHT NOW!
But what I found is a technology, that, thanks to new understanding of the brain and how it operates, has be re-purposed from training NASA CatAstronauts to helping regulate and re-align the brainwaves necessary for a harmonious life. It’s called Neurofeedback.
Neurofeedback is brainwave biofeedback, which is a trendy way of saying the brain is looking at itself and adjusting its own brainwaves to perform at its best. It’s drug free, it’s non-invasive, so it’s painless, and there’s no side effects.
Actually, it’s a lot like yoga for the brain. You get stronger in some areas, more flexible in others. It’s gentle, relaxing and dynamic all at the same time. And because NFB is like looking into a mirror, the brain can see itself holding the pose to get it just right. Make sense?
NFB allows the brainwaves to adjust themselves to where they need to be, not where habit has put them. Anxiety is an overload of ALPHA waves, brought on by the flight or fight stimuli being constantly triggered. Using NFB will in time change the wavelengths back to where they should be, at the appropriate time.
It’s like wearing braces on teeth. You don’t just put them on and take them off, and everything is fixed, and your smile is Hollywood perfection. No- the average time for someone to wear braces is 17 months for the teeth to align properly – then you get the Hollywood Pearly Whites.
Now, to be fair, NBF is a LOT quicker, mostly because the brain is much more efficient at fixing itself than are teeth. Brainwaves are WAAY more fluid and flexible than are teeth and jawbones. Which is good. But I digress.
So, the moral of the story is: Anxiety grips you in a headlock, holds your thoughts and wellbeing in a hostage situation, until you are no longer free to go out with friend, grocery shop, try new and exciting hobbies, sports, activities, etc. Eventually you order a Crazy Cat Lady Starter Kit from amazon, wither and die alone and unloved, then the cats eat you because no-one realizes you are dead for 3 months.
OR
You give NFB a try, the VOR becomes stronger while Anxiety gradually becomes quieter and quieter, until it is barely heard. You stick with NFB for 2-3 months because you are a smart, intelligent person who realizes that regulating the brainwaves, while not immediate, takes a lot less time than orthodontic braces do (and you know, because your youngest had them for HOW long?)
Soon, (over 20 sessions or so) not only is the VOR so strong that you can’t really even hear Anxiety nattering in the background, But VOR has given way to FOMO (Fear Of Missing Out) and now, instead of being the shy one of the group, whose fears have inhibited her from the wilder adventures of the others, you’re now leading the charge in shenanigans.
Sky-diving? In!
White Water rafting? In!
Tough Mudder? In!
Competitive Quilting? Definitely on board with that one!
Going over Niagara Falls in a barrel? No Damn Way! Fearless, NOT Stupid!
Without the burdensome oversight of Anxiety, without the worry of Worry, and leaving behind the crushing fear of Others’ Judgement, there is a whole world just waiting to be explored.
And even if you never go white water rafting, or quilt competitively (who needs all these needle jabs, anyways).
If you do actually become a Crazy cat lady, or nutty dog person, for that matter. If that’s what YOU choose to do, and you don’t give a damn what others think, then YOUR VOR has won. If you choose to go to the grocery store in your pj’s to buy ice cream and chocolate bars, and to hell with what the cashier thinks, and you are simply not interested in what the other shoppers might be thinking, then YOU have won. You thrive, not just survive.
Goodbye Anxiety!